by Ryan Underwood

Vaughn Meader, a comic who made an unfortunately brief career of doing impressions of John F. Kennedy, used to have a bit in which he would play President Kennedy eating dinner at home with his family. Suddenly, a question would come from off-camera, and Meader, as Kennedy, would shoot up from his chair, create a makeshift podium at the table, and carry out family business much as JFK would preside over one of his famous press conferences. (Something to the tune of, “On the questions of going, er, horseback riding this weekend, ah, Caroline, I say let’s move forward!”)

Meader’s bit about the Kennedy family was a hilarious take on how the great and powerful might deal with the humble and mundane details of life. Fast-forward two generations, and you’ll find the same tension fueling a new comic strip from Tom Stern, a part-time executive recruiter who says he’s out to create the next Dilbert.

Stern’s CEO Dad is Frank Pitt, an executive who rules the roost at the office but is cut down to size at home by two sharp-witted kids and a quietly omnipotent wife. He comically stumbles his way through fatherhood the best way he knows how: by treating it like a business. The only problem is that it’s hard to downsize the wife and kids – much to CEO Dad’s chagrin – whenever the going gets rough.

Thanks to corporate scandals lingering in the headlines, coupled with a growing anxiety about balancing work and family, Stern’s strip has raised some important eyebrows recently. For starters, Creators Syndicate, the home of Gary Larson’s The Far Side, formally launched CEO Dad in January, and already seven papers, including The Seattle Times and The Denver Post, have bought the strip. According to those in the business, that’s a blockbuster opening in the arcane world of comic-strip economics. Dilbert itself languished for its first couple of years with only about 35 newspapers, and took several years to build up to 100. Today, the strip runs in 2,000 newspapers in 65 countries, and Scott Adam’s cube-dwelling dweeb has spawned a cottage industry.

Even before getting a syndication deal, Stern managed to snare CEO Dad a mention (and a panel) in Sue Shellenbarger’s popular “Work & Family” column in The Wall Street Journal, as well as a small item (and strip) in Forbes. More recently, Stern has started doing commentary for Public Radio International’s business show Marketplace, whose producers have asked him to develop some CEO Dad skits to be performed on the air. An appearance on Ed McMahon’s national talk-radio program led the über sidekick to promise that he would discuss the idea of turning CEO Dad into a television show with Aaron Spelling over dinner.

And if ambition is what it will take to make CEO Dad the next Dilbert, Stern, 48, has it. He’s an in-your-face, relentless marketer who doesn’t take no for an answer. Overwhelmingly controlling, he can come across as a pest in the service of getting what he wants. A longtime friend says Stern once talked his way onto Jerry Seinfeld’s private plane and then told Seinfeld all the things that were wrong with his act. “I mean, here’s Tom Stern, who’s made all of $9 over his lifetime in comedy, telling Seinfeld what he’s doing wrong,” the friend marvels. As Stern puts it, “I’m a recovering narcissist – but I haven’t fully recovered yet.”

Stern, who lives in a gated McMansion with his wife and two daughters in the hills just outside Los Angeles, made “many millions of dollars” as a headhunter throughout the 1990s, though he says it’s not from his own professional experience that he draws inspiration for the strip. CEO Dad comes mainly from Stern’s own childhood on New York’s Fifth Avenue. Alfred R. Stern, Tom’s father and ostensibly the model for the CEO character, made his fortune as a pioneer in the cable-television industry in the late 1960s.

But Stern’s CEO lineage stretches back even further. His great-grandfather was Julius Rosenwald, the man who in the early 1900s helped build Sears, Roebuck & Co. into a retailing behemoth. (Tom keeps Rosenwald’s old pocket watch with him.) In short, Stern has spent most of his life boxing the shadows cast by his powerful father and great-grandfather. Stern says his father just wasn’t able to connect with him in a loving, human, fatherly way. In other words, he ran the household as he did corporate headquarters – the core of what CEO Dad is all about.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m this poor little rich kid who had it so rough,” Stern says. “But comedy is what got me through my childhood, and I want to return to that.”

Stern spent the early part of his career in the brutal world of stand-up, first as a comedian, then as a manager. He made connections with such giants as Seinfeld and Jay Leno, but as with so many others in the biz, his act never quite caught on. (As one comedian friend of Stern’s put it, “It was hard for a room full of plumbers to laugh at jokes about the problems of growing up superrich.”)

Abandoning the impecunious life of a struggling comic, Stern turned to executive recruiting. By the mid-1990s, he was racking up commissions as an independent recruiter, courtesy of one of the most severe labor shortages the United States has ever faced.

When the economy tanked in 2001, Stern had already pocketed plenty of money and was ready for a new challenge that would allow him to spend more time with his family. The idea for the strip hit him one night at a dinner party he threw for several friends. Someone asked what his father was like, and Stern blurted out, “Well, he’s kind of a CEO dad.” The quip got some laughs, so he tried it out on other people who reacted the same way.

His original notion was to create a cartoon as marketing collateral for his executive-search business. He hired an artist to draw panels for all the gags he’d come up with, such as the kids having to vie for a corner bedroom, making allowance requests with PowerPoint, and listening to LBO-themed bedtime stories. Before long, thought, CEO Dad evolved beyond marketing material into the new adventure Stern has been seeking.

But to have any shot at becoming the next Scott Adams, Stern needed more than just a knack for promotion and an ironic take on growing up with his distant father. John Newcombe, Creator’s director of comic development who picked CEO Dad from a pile of unsolicited submissions, told Stern that to get a syndication deal, he’d have to fix the strip’s lousy artwork.

Using his family’s friendship with the famous photographer Richard Avedon, Stern found his way into the stable of cartoonists at The New Yorker. From there, he was introduced to C. Covert Darbyshire, a young artist and aspiring comedy writer. As a bonus, Darbyshire had also served a tour of duty in pharmaceuticals sales, so he had a good eye for business humor. After some wining and dining (not to mention guaranteed minimum payments and a cut of future profits), Stern hired Darbyshire to draw CEO Dad from his home in Austin, Texas.

“I’d say he’s like Larry David, and I’m like Jerry Seinfeld,” Darabyshire says, alluding to one of the duo’s favorite cultural references, Seinfeld. “Tom comes up with the big ideas, like Larry did, while I execute and add a little bit of polish like Jerry.”

Once Creators saw Darbyshire’s art paired with Stern’s words, the syndication deal was clinched. But even syndication is only one small step in a much longer, grueling process. Dilbert creator Adams says that anyone with above-par material can get a syndication deal; it’s what happens after a strip launches that really matters. “I had a hunch about what was happening in the early 1990s, like with downsizing, Adams says. “Luckily for me, I create d Dilbert at right about the same time the media wanted to put a face on what was happening in the office.”

Could CEO Dad’s timing be right, too? Cynthia Nash,The Seattle Times’ director of content development who has one of the first to pick up the strip as a test comic, says the trick to having a good comics page is getting the right mix of topics. “I think CEO Dad has a huge resonance with modern families,” she says. “There are lots of people, both men and women, who are fully engaged with work but who still want to play and important role in the family. I think this strip tackles those issues in a very charming way.”

Newcombe offers a bit more caution in his assessment of CEO Dad’s chances. “It’s typical that we don’t recoup any money on a comic strip for five years or so,” he says, adding that Charles Schulz’ Peanuts, the gold standard for comic strips, took many years to get off the ground and might not have lasted long enough to make it in today’s market.

For his part, Stern remains confidently undaunted. "I'll go down swinging till there's no more bat in my hand!" he booms, startling the other patrons enjoyong their meals at a small trattoria near is house in Woodland Hills, California. Of course, there's just one caveat to that vow: Unlike CEO Dad, he'll call it quits early if his family asks him to.

CNBC eyes ani series that's funny and money.
By Paul J. Gough and Kimberly Nordyke

TMarch 21, 2007
CNBC is developing an animated series based on the comic strip "CEO Dad," which could become a half-hour series on the network in the fall.

Sources said the network will likely air five one-minute shorts that will be cut from a pilot based on the cartoon written by Los Angeles executive recruiter Tom Stern. A half-hour series to air on CNBC could follow, though it's by no means assured.

Bob Balaban is in talks to executive produce and direct, sources said. Stern and Matt Goldman would be credited as creator/executive producer/writers, according to sources. CNBC declined comment Tuesday.

"CEO Dad" centers on Frank Pitt, chief executive of a Styrofoam peanut manufacturer in Pennsylvania, who tries to balance work life and home life with his wife, Chloe, 10-year-old son J.D., 7-year-old daughter Grace and dog Taylor. His family believes he's more focused on work than home life.

" 'CEO Dad' is the kind of man whose prenup has a noncompete clause," Stern said. "The irony of the situation is that his family is everything he hopes and dreams it would be if he weren't in it."

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Stern said he was a workaholic CEO dad himself until a home break-in nearly took his wife's life and he was held at gunpoint -- an act witnessed by his 5-year-old daughter. After that, he became a "comedic evangelist" and set out to bring humor to others' lives.

"When you lose balance (in your life), the first thing to go is your sense of humor," he said. "I'm trying to reach all the people who are working too hard to get them to laugh at themselves and find a little bit of healing."

It wasn't immediately clear where CNBC would slot either the shorts or a series, though a likely destination would be primetime. It would mark the first time the business channel has delved into animation.

But it's not the only news channel that has taken the plunge into alternative programming. Fox News Channel recently picked up 13 weekly episodes of "The 1/2 Hour News Hour," a satirical series somewhat like "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" with a conservative bent that is executive produced by Joel Surnow and Manny Coto. "The 1/2 Hour News Hour" averaged 1.5 million viewers on its weekend telecasts in February and early March.

Stern also has a book, "CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family," set for release in April, with plans for a promotional and book-signing tour.

Actor-director-producer-writer Balaban's credits include the films "For Your Consideration," "A Mighty Wind" and "Gosford Park" along with IFC's animated series "Hopeless Pictures" and NBC's "Seinfeld." He is repped by Gersh Agency.

Writer-producer Goldman's credits include NBC's "Seinfeld" and ABC's "Ellen." He is repped by ICM.

Paul J. Gough reported from New York; Kimberly Nordyke reported from Los Angeles.

Father Doesn't Know Best
By Kimberly Palmer
Posted 4/22/07

Tom Stern finally realized he had a problem when his wife kicked him out of the house. His workaholic tendencies-and the fact that he treated his family members as if they were employees-had finally grown too much for her. In CEO Dad, Stern turns inward to figure out where he went wrong and soon finds he isn't the only one struggling to balance work and family.

CHARLIE ARCHAMBAULT FOR USN&WR

The situation might not sound funny, but Stern manages to see the humor. He starts a comic strip, now nationally syndicated, in which he tells his daughter that he'll consider promoting her to first-born after her older brother does badly on a school test. When recalling how he proposed to his wife, he says, "I got down on one knee and explained to her the long-term fiscal and short-term tax benefits of matrimony."

Still, he doesn't hide the fact that work-obsessed fathers, whom he dubs CEO dads, can really hurt their families. He says he learned his behavior from his own dad. "I don't know whether my CEO father missed my first steps," he writes. "I do know that I've been crawling for his approval ever since."

On a practical note, Stern urges CEO dads to become aware of how they're treating their families and to reach out to fellow sufferers for support. It's never too late to change, he says, although doing so might require an intervention from concerned family members. Stern says his own transformation came only after his wife forced him to leave and he quit his job to work in a coffee shop. There, he met a fellow CEO dad, and they started a self-help group.

It's not always easy to tell when Stern is making stuff up for laughs, but this much is true: Plenty of work-addicted fathers-and mothers-will relate to his story.

This story appears in the April 30, 2007 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.

Dad ... I guess I still love you'
'CEO Dadism' victim finds relief in self-deprecation
BY JULIA M. SCOTT, Staff Writer
Article Last Updated: 04/16/2007 08:59:26 PM PDT

WOODLAND HILLS - Tom Stern has been in recovery for five years, two months and 25 days. His addiction? CEO Dadism - when workaholic business executives treat family like employees.

Stern, 51, beat his addiction by creating a comic strip poking fun at himself. In one comic the main character, Frank Pitt, considers rewarding his second child's stellar grades by promoting her to first born.

Now, with fresh successes - the strip is the basis for a new book and series of animated shorts to run on CNBC - Stern's micromanaging tendencies are flaring up.

"That's the thing with CEO Dadism," Stern said from behind the desk of his immaculate home office. "You never fully recover."

Stern tames his dark side by volunteering with recovering drug addicts and by following a strict regime of pushing his two daughters, ages 4 and 10, on the swing set in the backyard of his Woodland Hills home.

He still works 50 to 60 hours each week, but he does it around his daughters' schedules. Used to be that wasn't the case, as Stern highlights in one comic in which Frank Pitt gets a Father's Day card from his son:

"Dad, you never come to my soccer games and you treat your customers better than your Advertisement own family ... but I guess I still love you," the card reads.

"These are your words?" Pitt asks.

"Mom helped," the son replies.

Stern's life-altering epiphany came on Jan. 23, 2002. He was watching a Lakers game on television when he decided to fulfill a promise to his wife, Lisa, and feed the dog. When he got to the dog bowl in the back of the house, he heard muffled screams coming from the garage. Stern opened the garage door and saw armed men punching his struggling wife. One pointed a gun at him, but he stayed calm.

"What do you want?" Stern said.

"The ring," the man said.

Stern told Lisa to give them her diamond engagement ring and they fled with the jewel.

But the life-and-death moment was not what changed Stern. Instead, it was how his daughter, who was then 5, reacted to the crisis. Unlike Stern, who was frantically calling 911, she calmly fetched her mom a glass of water and a towel to wipe her bloody face.

The little girl's focus on her family struck Stern, who vowed to remake his life.

Stern's new book, "CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family," retells his epiphany with a heavy dose of fiction and funnies. It was published earlier this month by Davies-Black Publishing based in Mountain View.

Laura Simonds, director of marketing and sales at Davies-Black, thinks the book will appeal to top executives, their families and the employees they terrorize.

The underlying theme doesn't worry Simonds because workaholic parents are a reality.

"I think it's something that families have had in the back of their minds for a long time," Simonds said. "It's one of those unspoken things that Mom or Dad just has to be that way. But in their heart of hearts they are screaming, `We want you. We want you back."'

Five one-minute animated shorts based on the strip are slated to air on CNBC in June. A spokesman for the network said they are "in talks" with Stern but declined to confirm details.

Bob Balaban, who co-starred in "For Your Consideration" and "Best In Show," is directing the shorts. He said he signed onto the project because it passed his three criteria: It was "innovative, funny and good."

The main character, Frank Pitt, "has no balance whatsoever" between work and life, Balaban said. "But he keeps trying. And I think that's an inherently funny concept."

You'd think that Tom Stern was born with it all as the son of a mogul cable television father and a grandfather who built Sears, Roebuck and Co. It would seem pretty clear that Stern would never lack for money or opportunity - success was in his genes.

But Stern wasn't quite what his father envisioned as an heir to the family power structure. Dyslexic, ADHD and a bed-wetter, the young Stern would grow up constantly seeking his father's love and approval and find himself fighting drug addiction and other impulse control problems in his life.

When he finally did become a successful CEO, it still wasn't a pretty picture. He describes his business persona as a "moneymaking machine who was pushy and loud," with a strong case of narcissism.
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Still, Stern had been born into a family "where everything was about achievement," and he made millions with his executive recruitment firm.

Then, in 2002, his wife, Lisa, was brutally attacked and robbed in a home invasion.

That stopped Stern in his tracks, and he decided to devote more time to his family. But life wasn't done with him yet; his wife was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. This time, Stern turned all his energies to his family - and never looked back.

Sober for 20 years and having survived the kind of personal traumas that would put a soap opera to shame, Stern is doing what has always helped him cope with his life: cracking jokes and making other people laugh.

While that may sound odd for a man who admits to still having "many dark places in his life," Stern learned at an early age to use humor to handle life's pain. He's done it again by matching his wit, his neurosis, his devotion to family and his business acumen to write, "CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family" (Davies-Black, $19.95), a funny book with a serious message for anyone who puts a job above all else.

Some "takeaways" in his book include:

"The way you choose to organize your day is a good initial indictor of what your priorities are. And may reveal that you are a schmuck."

"After a lifetime of self-reliance, it can be scary and nerve-racking to let someone else guide you to a solution. For us CEO Dads, staring down our inadequacies can be difficult, especially since until recently we didn't think we had any."

"Sooner or later your family will no longer be able to function normally with a CEO Dad like you at the helm, and they will send out a cry for help. You need to be open to hearing it and to acting accordingly. I recommend sobbing into your hotel pillow."

Stern often describes being addicted to business success much like any other kind of addict, and says that it's the same "highs" that cause problems.

"There are times when I'm in it (business success) that I go, 'Yeah, I'm happenin',' and my chest puffs up," he said. "But then you have to decide whether you want to be a balanced person. I've learned to sacrifice the juice - I've taken a lot of the drama out of my life. Everything is a little more nuanced now. I've given up those big highs and lows. But I'm happier now than I've ever been."

To join a discussion on the conflicts today of trying to balance work and family, check out my blog at www.anitabruzzese.com.

Avoid family's pink slip

'Recovering success addict' tells CEO Dads to get their
priorities straight

12:00 AM CDT on Sunday, June 17, 2007

On this Father's Day, Tom Stern wants you to ask yourself two questions. Are you a CEO Dad? And are you about to be fired by your family?

He was and almost did.

Early on, Mr. Stern worked stand-up at comedy clubs with Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno, then developed comedy programming for HBO before becoming a superstar at the game of executive recruiting.

His family came in a distant second to his career.

Now 51, Mr. Stern calls himself a "recovering success addict" who preaches the gospel of putting loved ones first. And he does it with a seriously comedic edge.

His book, CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family, is endorsed by an unlikely combination of his pals Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Leno, a senior editor at Forbes magazine and Gloria Steinem.

"A lot of dads have been brainwashed with the mythology of the male's role in the American dream," Mr. Stern says from his home office in Los Angeles.

An alpha-dog dad?

"Yes, and they are hopelessly trapped chasing their alpha-dog tail."

He calls these guys CEO Dads and says they treat their families like corporations. "They create a lot of unnecessary pain – not just for their families, but for them. My motto is: 'His family would be everything he hopes and dreams it could be if he weren't in it.' "

And ladies, before you get too smug, the CEO Dad is not gender-specific. While more men fall into this trap than women, Mr. Stern says the women who do are among the most work-absorbed because they think they have to push harder to get ahead.

"I don't have a clinical psychology background," Mr. Stern says. "I don't even know if that's the best way to reach these folks. But with humor and poking fun, I gently nudge them to the idea that life would be better and easier if they would recalibrate the image of who they are and what's important."

Mr. Stern's childhood was a mixed bag of family celebrity and personal tribulation.

His father is 84-year-old Alfred Stern, a cable TV pioneer who later headed the Public Broadcasting System and Mount Sinai Hospital.

His great-grandfather was Julius Rosenwald, the legendary entrepreneur and philanthropist who built Sears, Roebuck & Co. into a retail powerhouse in the early 1900s.

"My baby pictures were taken by Richard Avedon. Talk about status, huh?" says Mr. Stern, who grew up on New York's Fifth Avenue. "We traveled all over the world. I was always being exposed to stimulating, interesting people, and they were all successful.

"But that cultural ethos created problems. First, I thought being successful was easy. Second, I thought it was essential – if you weren't a big success, you were a failure.

"Third, there was so little intimacy in our home that it reinforced the idea that your value as a human being was determined by your ability to perform."

That's where the other side of Tom Stern's reality kicked in. In his mind, he was Tommy the needy, bed-wetting son with ADHD and dyslexia who was of little use to his powerful dad.

His mother worried about his shortcomings and overcompensated. "Somebody would call, and I'd take down a message, and she'd exclaim, 'Oh! You should be a writer!'

"She was working so hard to buttress me, which was sweet and loving. But again, the emphasis was on becoming something."

He was good at making wisecracks.

"In the fifth grade, when I wasn't prepared for a final exam, I hid in my locker because I didn't want the teacher to find me. When he did, he said, 'Tom, you've got a test in five minutes. What are you doing in there?'

"And I said, 'Cramming.' "

After graduating from Sarah Lawrence College with a major in psychology, Mr. Stern worked comedy clubs alongside Mr. Leno, Mr. Seinfeld, Dennis Miller, Robin Williams and Richard Belzer.

But somehow those beer-soaked crowds in the wee hours couldn't relate to his monologues about the hardships of growing up super rich.

"That was a tough period. I had been the school and the college comedy star," he says. "But once I went into the comedy business, I relived the sense of failure and humiliation that I had as a kid."

Trading addictions

Mr. Leno got him a job as an agent for comedians, and he was pretty good at that. Then he sold two comedy shows to HBO.

"But I found that the egos and the culture of show business was too much for me," Mr. Stern says.

He left the business when he was 33, kicked a heavy pot-smoking habit that had started in school and found immediate stardom as a headhunter.

In one way, he traded one addiction for another. "I went after it like a guy panning for gold. You could not get me home. Every phone call was an opportunity to win; every rejection a chance to turn it around."

How bad was it?

David Krygier, a close friend and business associate of 19 years, says he called Mr. Stern at the hospital to congratulate him on the birth of his first daughter, Alexandra, only to get a lukewarm response.

"He couldn't relate to his baby because she couldn't relate to him yet," Mr. Krygier says. "He literally took seconds to talk to me about her and then it was on to talking about business. We laugh about it today, but it actually happened. I'm not embellishing the story."

Altered priorities

Mr. Krygier, who worked for Mr. Stern for seven years, isn't certain his former boss has completely changed his spots but says he's definitely altered his priorities.

"Tom's a relentless self-promoter, and he's still a maniac when it comes to work," he says. "But he's made tremendous strides. He really does believe that his family keeps him grounded. It was that horrific episode that made him stop and reconsider life."

He's referring to the tragedy that struck in January 2002.

Mrs. Stern had parked on the street outside their L.A. home and was on her way into the garage when two thugs attacked her, grabbing for a diamond ring that Mr. Stern had given her.

One unloaded on her face with brass knuckles.

"I heard screams and came out. The other guy put a gun to my head," Mr. Stern says. "My little 5-year-old, Alex, said, 'Daddy, what's going on?' She thought this might be a stage play."

The attackers took the ring and fled, leaving Mrs. Stern's face looking like a gargoyle's.

Alexandra acted like a comforting, poised nurse.

"The combination of her maturity, her selflessness, her kindness in contrast to my self-centeredness broke my heart," Mr. Stern says. "I felt pride for her but a deep sense of grief at my shortcomings. That was the moment.

"I'd had wake-up calls before, but I only half-listened to them," he says. "I made real conscious choices. I scaled back my business."

Focusing on family

A few years later, the Sterns adopted Arianna from Guatemala.

"I'm a sharpshooter now," he says. "I take a couple of searches here and there and make enough to take care of the family. I'm no longer trying to set records."

As a result, he's taken a massive pay cut.

His best year, he netted slightly more than $2 million for placing 61 people in jobs that paid more than $100,000 a year. "To do that many placements, you have to be completely obsessed."

His message to others is: Don't be.

"You don't have to go out there and be No. 1. When you try so hard to be in charge, you're really a slave to that idea."

More of CEO dad’s pain is self-inflicted

29 Jun, 2007, 0344 hrs IST, TNN

When work-life balance issue is reaching crisis proportion, it is understandable that it is being turned into a book, comedy TV show and cartoon strips in the US. Behind it is Tom Stern, 51, author of CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family. The book, written with a lot of humour, was released in April. Its 30 minutes animated TV show will soon run on business channels even as Stern gets invited for primetime TV shows.

Stern comes with rich credentials to look at the issue — his father, Alfred R Stern, driven and serious — was a powerful CEO and a pioneer in the US cable television industry in the 1960s. And Stern senior ran the house with the same authority with which he ran his company, unable to connect with his son in a fatherly way — the core of what CEO Dad is all about.

Stern earned his spurs as a CEO of a recruitment firm, slogging hours, making millions and finally waking up one day to realise that he was hurtling down the same path that his father tread when he was growing up.

Now he is a “recovering success addict” helping the word spread around. “At work, everything is quantifiable. But with your family, you can’t measure and control things. It’s much more amorphous, and that can be frustrating. The playroom has to become as important as the boardroom for CEO dads to be successful,” he says. Stern spoke to Malini Goyal from Los Angeles, about CEO dad-itude, the toll it is taking and few ground rules he has learnt first hand. Excerpts:

How would you describe CEO Dad-itude

It is a natural expression of the imbalances that exist in a patriarchal society. Much of the world is still run by men. And many have this exaggerated sense of priority and control — they always want to be the best, be in charge, get a priority status, are sure they are right and that they know it all. They want to set the agenda — at work and even at home. This often leads to passive aggressive control they want to wield even when they are not doing stuff at home.

Is this a gender thing — only about CEO dads and not moms?

You don’t have to be a CEO or a man to suffer from CEO Daddism. I have used it only as a symbol. Many women, who have risen to the top despite odds, are work obsessed, very rigid and agenda-driven. It is a personality type that I am trying to describe, most commonly found among dads. And it is more prevalent as one rises higher up the corporate ladder. But you could even find a waiter suffering from CEO Dad-itude

Why are successful execs often unsuccessful in their personal lives?

I am no expert on this. But my personal opinion is that obsession with success has a role to play in this. As CEOs in office, they are in control, have the commands, can compete aggressively and measure their achievements step by step. But you can’t really measure any of those things at home. There are no flowcharts and you can’t legislate or send a five-part memo to your family. All this makes things very difficult for CEO dads to operate at home.

How does family fit into a CEO’s life?

In hours spent working, a CEO is surrounded by “yes” people. But home is where nobody is awed and they don’t suck up to him. There is chaos, irreverence and you can’t always measure performance there. It’s a place where people know who you are and they provide a good grounding mechanism. Its an organisation where you can be very real and authentic and you don’t need to have a business agenda and constantly justify your action. As a CEO loses touch with his family, he gets less grounded.

What contributes to CEO Dad-itude?

It is this deep-rooted insecurity. Remember, being at the top there’s only way you can go —down. So, there’s a need for constant validation from various sources — from how many times they get mentioned in WSJ, they titles, their salaries, the size of their cabins, their quarterly reports. Somewhere he begins to seek all that validation even at home.

What affects a CEO dad’s relationship with his children?

Children by their nature are self-centred, and they constantly want validation in whatever they do. They want to come first. And if you as an adult have a kind of ego-centricity — that at its core is infantile — you will, at some level, resist children’s needs. And in worst cases, even compete with them.

How much would you blame Blackberry, cellphones and a global 24/7 world for some of these problems?

Technology is great at expediting things. It also reduces the sense of hierarchy. But remember, it does not have a conscience; it is like a freight train, running without any stops and brakes. So, the responsibility of containing it is completely in the hands of human beings. It is like having a relationship with an infant who does not know rights and wrongs. We need to learn how to make technology take a nap.

Your CEO Dad cartoons are becoming popular in the US media. Do you see any parallels between Dilbert
& CEO Dad?

Dilbert is a victim of his environment. CEO dad is a victim of himself. More of CEO dad’s pain is self-inflicted and he is the perpetrator of his own demise, whereas Dilbert would be less abused if he created better boundaries.

Do CEOs make lousy dads (and moms)?

The author of a new book on CEO dads (he is one) thinks so, and tells Fortune's Anne Fisher how to become a better one. One step: Don't text clients from Disneyland!
FORTUNE Magazine
By Anne Fisher, Fortune senior writer
June 14 2007: 9:09 AM EDT

(Fortune) -- Here's to dads! With Father's Day almost here, Monster.com surveyed hundreds of working fathers and found that 58% think their employers should do more to accommodate the demands of fatherhood; 71% of those with a child under age 5 took a paternity leave when it was offered. The poll also found that, if money were no object, 68% of fathers would consider being stay-at-home dads.

But there's one group in corporate America who would doubtless scoff at that notion: CEOs. Tom Stern, a former comedy programmer at HBO who is now CEO of Los Angeles recruiting firm Stern Executive Search, spent many years as a hard-driving, no-time-for-family kind of guy, until a rude awakening in 2002: Armed robbers attacked him and his wife Lisa as they pulled into their garage, nearly killing her.

What's the right work-life balance strategy for you?

1. Which of the following statements best describes you?
I'm comfortable having others do home and yard chores for me.
I prefer to do things myself.

"It was like a light bulb came on. I suddenly realized what really matters in my life, and how much I'd been taking it for granted," says Stern, who has since reshuffled his priorities to put his family first. He's also written a terrific (and funny) book, CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family (Davies-Black, $19.95), with cover blurbs from his old pals Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno. (See www.ceodad.com.) Some excerpts from a recent chat with Stern:

Q. Why do successful executives so often fall short when it comes to personal relationships like marriage and parenthood?

A. It's not that CEOs are cold and uncaring - it's just hard to bond with a kid via e-mail. And those bedtime memos! Not good! And of course, if you used to work at Enron, well, you tend to drift away from your family while you're in prison. But seriously, a lot of executives have a driving desire to be admired, which is why they're drawn to roles of authority in the first place. Children don't care about your title. You have to relate to them in a totally different way, and it's a hard adjustment.

Also, at work, everything is quantifiable. But with your family, you can't measure and control things: It's much more amorphous, and that can be frustrating. And then there's pure ego, the need for power and recognition. Work is the place to get those things, so work becomes all-important.

I know. I used to be the kind of guy who would be texting clients while riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland with my daughters. It was nuts.

Q. In the book you note that "a CEO dad's brain operates differently from a normal person's brain." Is there a cure?

A. In my own case it took a traumatic shock, but usually there has to be a build-up of consequences. Our society rewards narcissism and greed, so as long as you're being stroked at the office, your spouse and kids can become annoying background noise. The only real cure is to decide that you're going to make as many plans and goals with your family as you do at work.

Create a mission statement for the family: What kind of family do you want? What will it take to get there? Approach it as you would a business project. Do a customer-satisfaction survey at home, and really listen. The playroom has to become as important as the boardroom. But there is no one-size-fits-all cure that will work for everyone. The first step is really just to see that you need to do something before it's too late.

Q. What kind of feedback is the book getting from other CEOs?

A. It's hard for CEOs to admit to any kind of vulnerability or failure. They're eternal optimists, too: "Next quarter will be better..." People are defensive about this personal stuff, which is why I use humor in the book, as a non-threatening way of overcoming people's resistance to thinking about it. Some CEOs who have read the book ask me if I've achieved perfect work-life balance. But it's not something you achieve and, that's it, check it off the to-do list. It's a constantly evolving process of setting priorities every day. It's like the old joke, How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Q. How has your family responded to the change in you?

A. They like me better. I play with my kids now. I don't take work calls at dinnertime anymore. I've accepted that, at home, I don't have the control over events that I have at the office, which is why most CEOs have trouble with family life. You can't fire your kids, although I am thinking of transferring them, as soon as I find the right storage facility.

An Interview with Recovering “CEO Dad” Tom Stern
By Shari Lifland

It’s been a long, strange trip that’s brought Tom Stern to where he is today. He began as a stand-up comic alongside pals Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno, then went on to launch a wildly successful executive search firm. As a type A entrepreneur with an obsessive drive to succeed, he became the dysfunctional creature he dubbed the “CEO Dad,” a father who treats his family like a corporation. Stern’s turning point came in 2002 when his wife was brutally attacked in their California home while thugs held a gun to Stern’s head—with their five-year-old child witnessing the horror.

Today Stern is a self-described “recovering success addict” who devotes his energies to balancing work and family. He recently spoke to me about his new book CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family (Davies-Black, 2007) and the upcoming animated prime-time TV series he’s creating for CNBC based on the CEO Dad character, while sharing his unique observations about life, work, success, family, and the pursuit of happiness.

Shari Lifland: Everybody’s talking about work/life balance these days, but it seems most companies are still talking, not walking, the talk.

Tom Stern: If we want to be honest, here’s the root of the problem: corporations reward people who work too much. They love those people. But if the leader is a CEO Dad type the behavior he’s modeling is imbalanced. If he’s a control freak, if he can’t stop working, if everything is about his job, if he’s been divorced four times, that’s the model he’s presenting to his people.

Going forward, organizations are going to have to understand that it is in their best interest to make balance a business priority. I think businesses are hopefully on the verge of the epiphany we had about drugs. In the past there was no drug testing; what you did on your time was your own business. That’s no longer the case. We are going to have to recognize the downfalls of lack of work/life balance and realize that there is a business case for intervening. People who work too much tend to have really bad personal lives. Their families become unhappy, their children have problems that are distracting and emotionally draining, their wives are angry all the time. Obviously, job performance suffers.

It’s not just how many hours you’re putting in or how much you’re churning out. There’s the quality of your work. And studies show that compulsive workaholism does not produce a better product.

Here"s a really important theory of mine: I believe the family is a grounding mechanism. Your family will talk to you in a way people never would in business, especially if you’re a high-level executive. A lot of it is really healthy because it contains the ego. It reminds you of your place in the world. If you’re not connecting with your family, you don’t have that critical grounding mechanism. And for certain personalities that can lead to immense arrogance and ethical management issues.

SL: Since the hallmark of CEO Dad-itude is the need to control, will the species eventually die out?

TS: It’s hard to imagine this type of individual dying out, at least in a patriarchal society. What we’re talking about is the “driver personality.” This is the guy who gets things done, and society will always need that person. We may no longer be in the industrial age, but there are always going to be deadlines, there are still going to be slackers, people who shy away from power. So we’ll always need the kind of person who will just jump in and act. The question is, how many of those people will be compulsive and obsessive? Because CEO Dad is not just a driver personality, he is an overdrive personality; he’s driven to get things done. There is a difference between having drive and being driven. Being driven means you’re being controlled by something. You’re the vehicle; you’re not the driver.

SL: In the forward to your book CEO Dad, Stephen R. Covey writes about the need for leaders to move from control to release. But why would anybody in power want to give up control?

TS: The fact is that none of us is in control of anything. We don’t control our thoughts, events in the world, or other people’s behavior. In fact, the only things we control are the choices we make. If you accept that as a leader, you loosen the reins a little bit because you don’t wake up in the morning with the expectation that you’re going to control everybody’s behavior. Otherwise you create a gap between expectation and reality, which causes anxiety, which causes fear. And fear drives really poor management. So we all have to recognize that we do not control results or other people. As obvious as that is, we often don’t behave that way.

SL: You’re developing your CEO Dad comic strip for an animated series on CNBC. How are you similar to/different from Frank Pitt, your CEO Dad?

TS: Well, first of all, I’m three-dimensional. And I don’t have to wait to dry every morning. OK, to be serious, I’d say there’s night and day difference. Frank Pitt is living under the illusion that he is in control, that prestige, power and money are what make the world go round and that he can treat his family like an afterthought. But he is narcissistic enough to believe that if he swoops in at the last minute, with his incredible charisma, forcefulness, and powers of persuasion, he can convince them to love him. I know from experience that if you neglect your family, there are wounds that do not heal overnight and that there are consequences.

SL: So you’re kind of Frank Pitt who has seen the light?

TS: Yeah, but I’d like to think that I was never quite as bad as him. My one-line description for CEO Dad is “His family would be everything he wants it to be, if he weren’t in it.”

SL: Is CEO Dad-itude just a guy thing, or is it an equal opportunity affliction?

TS: Certainly you don’t have to be a man, or a CEO for that matter, to have this problem. This pertains to anybody who believes that work will fix him and that he"s in control. When a person is in that state of mind, he doesn't consider the consequences, just like somebody who drinks and then gets in the car. But because we have a patriarchal society, and leadership and business have more often been associated with men, the syndrome tends to reside more easily in men. But it’s a human condition. Now that we have more women in the workforce and more women CEOs there’s more opportunity for it to cross gender lines.

SL: Part of your mission is “to make sure that everyone, no matter what their rank, has a few laughs along the road to success.” It’s one thing for the CEO to say he’s leaving early to attend his child’s school play—who’s going to tell him no? How can a mere manager or assistant make sure that he or she is there for the family?

TS: Part of this question has been addressed through innovations like flex hours and telecommuting where people can create a more flexible lifestyle as long as they deliver on the job. But not all of the people who work in a company can go to Colonial Day. (Editor’s note: Stern skipped his young daughter’s “Colonial Day” at school to participate in this interview). One could say, look, when you’ve worked yourself to the bone or you’ve developed so much talent that you go to the top, there are certain perks that have been earned. One might say that the best leaders are those who don’t behave any differently than those beneath them, right? But that’s rare. If your middle managers and assistants can’t do everything during work hours, how do they behave when they come home? My daughter is not overly upset because I’m missing Colonial Day, because when I’m at home I’m present. I’m not gnashing my teeth about something that went wrong at work.

My mission statement is this: business will not rule my well-being. That’s a gigantic decision, one that a lot of people do not make. Once I make that decision a lot of things are possible. I can suffer disappointments more fluidly. I can be more present for my family. I can create boundaries. I can turn off my cell phone. But what’s harder is to turn off your business.

SL: You describe yourself as a “recovering success addict.” But now that you’ve become a successful author, humorist, comic strip writer, radio host, and so on, don’t you risk a relapse into CEO Dad-itude?

TS: It’s kind of like a recovering alcoholic working as a bartender, right? First of all, now my work has to be something that I want to do. Part of it is to understand that success doesn’t really deliver on the promise. The true success addict, like the drug addict, operates under the belief that success will fix him. “Oh, if I could just get that promotion.” “If I could just close that big deal.” But it’s just not true. Success is just a result. All success does is open doors and it create options. It does not equate to a sense of well being.

SL: If the tragedy that befell your family hadn’t happened, do you think you would have changed?

TS: I’d like to think that I have enough introspection that I would have grown. But I think it probably would have taken a divorce. What I lost with the attack was a sense of safety and the sense that I could take my family for granted. Most change, especially for people who are really hard-driving, is about consequences or loss. It’s like we discussed earlier, why will companies change? If we can prove to them that it’s in their best interest. It’s the same with individuals. My hunch is that if the attack had not happened, I probably would have had to separate from my wife and realize, oh, no, I’m about to be divorced. Had it gotten to that point, I do think I would have changed.

SL: Do you miss the corporate lifestyle?

TS: No. I still enjoy helping people find new opportunities, but now I’m a comedic evangelist. I believe that thoughtful humor can nudge people towards different thinking.

SL: Are you happy?

TS: Happiest I’ve ever been. My ability to be there for other people has increased. I think a lot of happiness comes from tuning in to other people. And I didn’t know that before.

To find out more about Tom Stern’s book CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family (Davies-Black Publishing, 2007), and to read CEO Dad comic strips, visit www.CEODad.com

About the Author:

Shari Lifland manages content for AMA’s Members-only Website, edits several AMA e-Newsletters, and is associate editor of MWorld.

WORK ETHICS
WE QUIZ EXPERTS ON WORKPLACE DILEMMAS RANGING FROM RUMOR-SPREADERS TO CREDIT-STEALERS
By JONATHAN BENDER

September 10, 2007-- JULIA, a reporter for a small city publication, had a boss who used to flirt with her. He was 20 years older but acted like a big kid, sending prank e-mails and making gag phone calls. He didn’t touch her or suggest she wear dresses to work, but he rode the line between appropriate and inappropriate.

Then, after a few years, he jumped right over the line, telling her on a cab ride that dating him could lead to advancement in her career.

“I felt like I couldn’t flat- out reject him, because I had to work with him,” she says.

Using a tape recorder she used for interviews, she recorded the conversation - and then got the heck out of that cab. (She still has the tape, but she never reported her boss.)

Julia wasn’t sure what to do when a co-worker crossed the line. And she’s not alone. In a 2005 survey by the Ethics Resource Center, 52 percent of respondents had witnessed misconduct in the workplace, but only 55 reported it to a supervisor.

In an effort to get employees to recognize ethics violations and open up when they see them, more corporations are offering ethics training. According to the ethics survey, 69 percent of U.S. companies have implemented ethics courses, an increase of 14 percent in just two years.

“More and more companies of all sizes are offering ethics training, for two main reasons,” says Steve Priest, president of the Ethical Leadership Group, a business ethics consulting firm. “One is that it works. And the second is that a small investment up front is much cheaper than a legal settlement or a terrible headline after a scandal.”

A training session can’t answer every question, however. What about when the right course of action isn’t clear? For that matter, what about when the right course of action is going to earn you a lifelong enemy and give you a rep as the office stoolie?

We concocted eight scenarios that aren’t necessarily in the company handbook, ranging from seemingly innocuous to lawsuit-inspiring, and asked a panel to weigh in. Our experts:

Bruce Weinstein: a k a “The Ethics Guy,” author of a syndicated column and of “Life Principles: Feeling Good by Doing Good.”

Steve Priest: president of the Ethical Leadership Group, a business ethics consulting firm.

Melissa Rath: owner of Right Eye Media, a new-media production company in Queens

Sabrina Brown: director of human resources for the City College of New York.

Penelope Trunk: business advice expert and author of “Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success.”

Tom Stern: business humorist and author of “CEO Dad: How to Avoid Getting Fired by Your Family”

Working on a document at home, you find that a binder clip makes a perfect “chip clip” to keep your Doritos fresh. Every once in a while, you grab a handful from the office supply closet for pita and potato chip bags. Is this wrong?

Weinstein: Yes. Unless your employer has given you permission to use office property for personal use, the pilfering of even a seemingly innocuous item as a binder clip is theft, plain and simple. Besides, once you convince yourself that such an item is fair game, where does it stop?

Priest: Intention is the key in this case. If I am intentionally taking home office supplies for personal use, it is wrong. Will I be fired? Maybe not. But anybody who knows about the behavior is going to think twice before entrusting this person with greater responsibility.

Rath: If you take a document home and remove the clips, that’s fine. As an employer, I know it’s not plausible to expect that everything stays in the office.

You catch a co-worker surfing the Internet looking at job sites. Do you have an obligation to tell someone?

Rath: When you catch a co-worker, inform him/her that it’s something to be done on their own time. The first time should be a warning; the second time you’ll inform the manager.

Priest: The devil is in the details in this case. If your co-worker is doing this surfing occasionally - say during lunch hours, or a break, or after work - there’s little harm.

Stern: Only if you want that co-worker’s job - because getting someone fired is a tremendous way to move up the corporate ladder.

A co-worker is spreading rumors that are blatantly false about a colleague. What should you do about it?

Brown: This squarely falls under the category of misconduct. Allowing an employee to spread rumors about another employee is also a form of harassment. If a company turned a blind eye without imposing any disciplinary action, they could be held liable.

Rath: This hurts morale in the workplace. Confront the co-worker spreading the rumor. But I’d be careful in how I approach them, avoiding direct accusation. Try something like, “I heard this about so-and-so, I know it’s not true. Do you know anything about this?”

Trunk: You don’t need to be a hero. You need to get along with everyone - even the one who spreads untrue rumors. So keep your nose out of it. Your desire to rid the world of lies is admirable, but do it outside of work.

A co-worker brings her dry-cleaning to a hotel on a business trip so she can have it covered as a business expense. Should you report her?

Priest: Yes, because this person should be fired for stupidity as well as falsification of company documents and theft. It reminds me of the friend who gloated about padding his expense report by adding extra miles to his trip log. I asked him, “Don’t you think they have MapQuest?”

Rath: I would feel obligated to report it. That’s taking advantage of the situation and seeing what you can get away with. If there ever is a moment when you say, “Can I get away with this?” then the answer is you shouldn’t be doing it.

Brown: The issue isn’t black and white. The employee could claim they don’t have time to do laundry because they travel too much. In any event, I would always err on the side of disclosure.

I’m being groomed to take over my boss’ job when she retires next year. I’ve already decided that I’m going back to school next year, but haven’t told anyone, because a co-worker who planned to return to school was let go soon after she told her boss, even though she had six months left to go. I don’t want to get penalized for doing the right thing. Do I have to tell them?

Weinstein: Yes, you should. By allowing the boss to believe you’re staying on when you’re actually planning to leave, you’re depriving someone else from being trained for the boss’ job in a timely fashion.

Trunk: No. Think of it this way: If your company’s board is considering canceling a product line in six months, do you think they’re bringing in the whole product team early to tell them they might be let go later? No. Companies hide this sort of information from employees all the time, to keep them motivated. You can do the same. It’s the rules of the game of employment at will.

Stern: I suggest setting fire to the furniture in the lobby. In my experience, it’s always better to get penalized for doing the wrong thing than the right thing.

You come across an aberration in your company’s balance sheet. A superior withdrew money from a company account earlier in the year, but has since repaid the amount in full. Should you tell someone?

Priest: If the withdrawal was unauthorized and for personal use, as the scenario implies, this is a red flag that other problems with this superior may exist. Absolutely tell someone, even if there are “extenuating personal circumstances,” like an addiction or an expensive girlfriend. It will only get worse.

Brown: Absolutely. Knowledge of this type becomes a liability. If an investigation were to take place, the company would want to know who had advance knowledge of the malfeasance. In many cases, employees try to defend their actions by claiming “everyone knew about it, so I thought it was OK.”

Stern: No, but you do have a duty to thank her for an incredibly good idea. I would have never thought of that on my own.

I was browsing a swingers’ site, and I found pictures of a co-worker and her husband. She’s a great worker, hard-working and responsible, but this is a conservative company, and I don’t think the bosses would tolerate this. Should I tell them what I saw?

Stern: Generally speaking, initiating any discussion with your boss with the phrase “I was browsing a swinger’s site” is going to be trouble.

Weinstein: No, you shouldn’t. What two consenting adults do with other consenting adults in their private time is their business, and the company has no legitimate claim to know what that may be.

Trunk: Hel-lo! You are also engaged in the swingers’ site, as a voyeur. If you feel compelled to report co-workers who swing, ask yourself if you’re transgressing your own personal ethical boundaries by being on the site in the first place. Leave your co-workers and your company out of it.

My co-worker was assigned to write a report, and she foisted the whole job on her assistant. The assistant did a great job, and our boss was happy with it, but my co-worker is taking all the credit. I’m the only one who knows who really did all the work. Should I speak up?

Weinstein: You should first go to the co-worker and explain why her conduct is troubling. If she has a hard time understanding why her actions are unfair, ask her how it would affect her own reputation if the truth about this matter ever came out.

Trunk: It’s none of your business to run around telling people that someone is taking credit for work they didn’t do. This is not third grade. Instead, approach the assistant as an adult and recommend ways that she might take the credit for herself.

Stern: You should do what any highly assertive person would do: Have your assistant speak up.